Pet Stores Break My Heart

Parla Piu Piano..

Each spring and summer for the last four years I have found myself walking through the city, drawn to the latin band in the Bourke Street mall that play old folk song for shoppers and tourists.

Each year when I stand by watching them perform I'm just another face in a crowd... Until he sees me.

Regardless of if they are mid song, preparing for a lunch break or just adjusting in their seats before beginning another song, he pauses, looks me in the eyes and strums his guitar.. 

This is what he sings.. 

Patrizio Buanne

Gianni Morandi

If you don't speak Italian, these lyrics will help..

One Day, Somewhere, Life Will Be Like This..

Putting My Life Into 'Gere'

Well last night was interesting to say the least.. Richard Gere was sick all day so I didn't think we were going out. I dyed my hair and dried it but didn't style it and what do ya know? At 10.30 Richard Gere called to ask if I wanted to go to the party.
He didn't want to go at all. He was all like, "If you want to go, I'll go."

He asked me how long I needed to get ready and I casually said "Oh ten minutes will be fine.." then the panic set in. The pants and top I was going to wear gave me muffin top BAD because I had been drinking a lot of water all day so I had to run into my bedroom and try to find something to wear.
When I'm in a rush to get ready I'm jumping on the bed freaking out and my mum is usually there throwing me my clothing options.. Before I hit the stressed out tears stage, I found my bandage skirt, pulled on a new top I just bought from Forever New, slipped on some heels and walked out the door. Richard Gere nearly died when he seen my top. He loved the oversized see-through musk pink crochet top with just a bra underneath.

We walked into the party as a couple and the tree snake approached almost instantly. He smiled, gave her a kiss on the cheek and said happy birthday. He then turned his head to me (as I was purposely standing behind him) and said "Please say hello to her." Not in a sucky and sooky way, but in a 'I'm your man, shes my friend, you hate her but be polite' kinda way.
I stuck my head out from behind his shoulder, said "Hello, happy birthday" and as she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek, I turned my shoulder to her.

Richard Gere went and sat with the boys, I sat with Aaliya (and her friend that I also despise because she told me that I was "too fat for my opinion to matter") and another girl that is in our group. Green Tree Snake took the opportunity in Richard Gere's absence to tell everyone at our table in Arabic that I didn't even say happy birthday to her.

Petty, petty, petty.

After an hour or so, Aaliya and her friend left, my other girlfriend left and it was just the Tree Snakes friend, Tree Snake, two blank spaces, me and this guy who was there for the party as well. My man walked over and looked at his seating options. He could have sat next to Green Tree Snake, next to me (on the Tree Snake side) or on the end after the guy. He chose NOT to sit next to the birthday girl and made the guy move over so he could sit with me. I love when we sit in those couches together. He leans into me so that the side of his back is up against my chest and my arm is over him.

When the night was through, Richard Gere and I walked outside as a couple, stood behind his car and hugged for about five or ten minutes while we discussed our plans to go on a short holiday next weekend. When we noticed Green Tree Snake and her friend looking at us from about twenty meters away, we got into his car and drove away.

When we arrived at my house, we sat in his car outside my house and spoke for literally two hours. I found out that he was in University, did two years in the army and was a police officer in Iraq for two years also.

I was so shocked when he took out his wallet and showed me a photo of him as a young police officer. It was the actual photo that was taken to put on his police license all those years ago. He had jet black hair, a big mustache and no body fat.
I like the way he looks now in comparison.

At 3.30am he caught the time from the glimmer of his watch and said we should call it a night. He watched as I walked into my front door and he drove home.

He invited me to go to Adelaide with him tonight (Adelaide is another state in Australia - probably about seven hours drive from my state) but I declined. I have Tafe and he had already asked his friends, thinking I wouldn't want to be alone in a hotel room with him.. Little does he know ;) hahaha.

Sorry Nana - I know your reading this.

Besides, he would have booked two separate rooms until we had taken that step in our relationship. It's just the way he rolls.

My Exclusive With Richard Gere.

Story Time

Tuesday night I went to our typical hang out place looking all types of messy. By messy I mean - hair up in a bun, barely any makeup, booty trackies and a jumper. Aaliya had called me out of nowhere and said that she was two minutes from my house. I ran outside (initially forgetting my bra) and jumped in the car, thinking we were only going for our standard McDonalds run.

When she told me that we were going to the cafe, I FREAKED. I re-did some of my makeup while she ran in to get a pack of ciggies and put my hair in a messy side bun to try and hide the micro bead extensions around my hairline.

We arrived at the cafe, walked in having all the confidence in the world (or at least pretended we did) and sat down at the table with our group. Everyone knows Richard Gere and I are seeing each other. He told me on the first date that he didn't like titles so he would never be the type of guy to ask me to be his girlfriend, it would just naturally happen (which I was ok with).

After being there for fifteen minutes, I looked over and seen Richard Gere (who I thought had recently barred me) walking in through the back door. I instantly shit bricks. I slumped down in my seat, covered my face and turned awkwardly towards Aaliya asking her to go outside for a cigarette. I of course don't smoke and stood outside in the freezing cold with her while we plotted my next move. She was all 'Put down your hair, whip that shit around' and I was all like 'Ok, gonna vomit. Give me the compact - o.m.g i look like hell in a hand basket.'

After a good five minutes of freaking out and freezing half to death, I walked back inside like an adult (once again, or at least pretending) and sat down at our table. Richard Gere was still at the bar ordering and talking to his friends. The only other girl who was sitting at our table is Richard Gere's 'best friend', who we will call Green Tree Snake. The first time we met her, Aaliya said she is a green tree snake because they can camouflage themselves and blend in to any environment as they slither around.

Anyway, Green Tree Snake slithered forward on the seat, lent over Aaliya and said "It's better this way anyway. You two aren't good for each other. He told me after your first date that you meant nothing to him and that it was just casual and that he told you that you weren't ever going to be his girlfriend."

Hold on, back the f**k up.. He said WHAT?! I was angry, upset, annoyed, devastated andembarrassed. That little bitch just said all of that to me in front of everyone sitting at our table. A million thoughts raced through my head 'But we talked about the fact were exclusive.. But he said he didn't mind waiting a year for my hair to grow long (because he doesn't like extensions) But he said it would just NATURALLY HAPPEN that we would be a couple' then the thoughts followed 'So everyone here thought I was just his young skank? I played the fool? I believed him?!'

I leaned forward and I said "No, he told me *etc etc etc*" and she said "Wallah (which is I swear to God in Arabic) he said that to me. I'm only telling you because your a nice girl and I think of you as a friend now. Iraqi guys are all liars, trust me I know. He just told you whatever you wanted to hear."

I felt myself crumbling.. How did it come to this? I looked at all the people on my table as I said.. "So I'm meant to just sit here and pretend that everything is ok? Well I can't do it.. (face changes as I'm about to cry) (voice cracks) I just can't do it!"

I got up, ran straight past Richard Gere, straight past the sixty other people in the cafe, the three owners, the six staff members and into the back exit where I stood and cried for about three minutes straight, holding my mouth to muffle the noise the whole time.

Aaliya soon followed and as we headed for the car I felt my phone vibrate in my hand.
"Richard Gere"
I didn't answer so he sent a message
"Hello Darling, did you leave because you don't want to sit with me?"
As soon as he sent me that message, I realized he had no idea what had just happened. I didn't want to answer that message so Aaliya called him back "Yes, this is Aaliya, I'm pissed off and Anastasia is upset because of what your friend just told her that you said about her!"
He RAN - literally RAN outside to see what was happening. When I told him about what Green Tree Snake said, he couldn't believe it.

In the end, Aaliya called her outside and we had it out.
He told her that she took one word and make a complete story out of it and that it was NOT what he said or what he meant. He explained that he doesn't like titles and that just because were not 'boyfriend girlfriend' doesn't meant that were not together like normal couples.

She tried to blame it on the fact that she doesn't know how to explain herself properly but I knew she was vicious from the first time I met her.

Richard Gere made her apologize, but I left before she opened her mouth. I didn't need another lie to come out of her mouth so I got Aaliya to drive me home.

I had no idea what was happening between Richard Gere and I. All I knew was that he did not say those things, that he held my hand the whole time I had it out with his friend and that he kissed me goodnight.

I spent Wednesday night worrying that the damage had already been done and that maybe he was going to back away from me, thinking that drama just followed.

I was so over the moon last night when Richard Gere came to my house and we talked it out. He told me that he is scared - the words were "Wallah I'm scared that I'll never want to leave you. I'm scared because your the perfect woman and I want to stay with you."

So we agreed - were exclusive.

He is going to a wedding tonight so I'm flying solo but tomorrow night he is taking me to one of his friends birthday party. We are going as a couple.

Tomorrow night is a massive night for me. It is my first night going back to the cafe where everyone seen me cry just a few days ago. It is the first time I will be faced with the Green Tree Snake since she humiliated me in front of everyone at that cafe and it is the first night that I will be walking in there on the arm of my Richard Gere.

So the pressure is really on. All of those thoughts running around my head and all I can think is;

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR?!

Give A Dog A Bone..

I love blogging.

I love sharing my life with random women across the world. Even if I'm ranting, sooking, laughing or bored.. It makes my day when I see the words
"You're blog post published successfully!"

After one of my typical life stories, I received a comment from a beautiful girl/woman named Laur. She said that she had just been on a date with a guy who told her that she needed to 'lose a few' and that my post really brightened her day (not an exact quote but pretty similar).


After reading her comment, I was so angry! I mean LOOK at how GORGEOUS SHE IS!
I started thinking that the only thing she needs to lose was a guy like that! I honestly took it so much to heart that I felt like one of my close friends had just called me on the phone to say that some idiot told her to lose weight!!

I am really glad she told me that my words helped her even in the smallest because that is really what blogging should be about.. It made me realize that reading someones blog is like reading their diary or like being a part of their life and the same goes for the insight you give me into your own lives whenever you comment on my posts.

Ugh, still so mad..

Here's to Laur and every other girl out there who has been told they're not 'PERFECT' by some dickless little boy.

Only a dog likes bones because a real man likes meat.

Read her blog - she's stunning.

xxx

Richard Gere Put It In Gear And Drove Away.

Why is it that when I'm home alone I choose to sit and sing Disney songs? I just YouTube'd all of my favourite Disney songs and I'm singing them at the top of my lungs, even as I write this post.

My mum and brother are both "no-ones slick as Guston.." .. Sorry, it's hard to sing and keep track of what I'm writing. Don't mind me, I'm just doing the actions along with the music haha. I really should record myself singing this stuff. I even do different facial expressions to different voices.

As I was saying, my mum and brother are in Tatura with my grandparents teaching them how to use the internet so I just went shopping and bought some school supplies like plastic pockets and folder dividers etc.

You're probably wondering why my subject title sounds like Richard Gere dumped me? Well it's because he sorta did. The other night he was being a dick and I decided to go home and sleep. When he knew I was leaving he said "If you leave, don't call me anymore." So I called that bluff, got up, kissed everyone EXCEPT HIM on the cheek, said goodbye to the group and left.

He thought I was heaven? I'll show him HELL if he tries to call me again.

Gucci Italian Tan

Tonight I'm going on a first date that 'isn't a date' with a guy that we will call "Italia".

Richard Gere and I are moving along swimmingly but I think that for the first time in my life, I'm not going to put all of my eggs in one basket.

Talking of eggs, I am sitting here eating Cadbury Strawberry filled mini chocolate eggs. YUM.
I can't believe the Easter supplies are already for sale in stores. I think it's kinda disgusting if you ask me. Isn't Easter still two months away?

Anyway, Italia is a guy that I know from when I was 13 - 16 years old. He is 7 years older than me. I know him because when I was in high school I would hang out with an older crowd and he was one of the guys in my group of friends. It's been 7 years since he and I have seen each other and we caught up on Facebook of all places.

I was meant to get my micro bead extensions done today but I know that I'm going to have to dye them to get my tone of pearl blonde. So that means that I would have to sit at the salon for 4 hours while they get applied, then dye my hair, then wash it, then dry it and then style it. I'm seeing Italia in five hours and there is no way I have time to do all of that and I honestly can't be bothered with the whole process.

For once I picked my outfit in advance but because I have scrubbed off my fake tan I'm not sure it the dress will look as good. I'll be sure to take a photo of it either way. If I wear that dress then I'm also wearing a vintage silver G-link Gucci belt and some stilettos tonight.

I think it's time to break out the Jemma Cosmetics Cookies And Cream Tanning Mousse. If you have no idea what I'm talking about - watch this.

Being A Goddess In Someones Eyes

You may have read my blog, looked at my photos and thought "What's the big deal? She's a chubby/curvy chick with blonde hair." Hell, most of the time that's even the way I think about myself but lately something has changed.

I have always been honest and told you girls about how the guys around my area react to me and I've never lied, never made it sound better than what it was and I sure as shit haven't exaggerated when I tell you about the guys who nearly crash their cars, the guys who cross the road just to pass me and the one who nearly fell off a roof yesterday when he was waving to me as I walked past.

The reason I am mentioning this now is because my last post reminded me of something that was said to me recently.

On my first date with Richard Gere he said something to me that no-one has ever said before. Something that no woman expects to hear in her lifetime.

When I asked him if he gets jealous when his friends look at me.. Do you know what he said to me?

He said,
"When you walk past, whatever is happening, whatever we are saying and whatever we are thinking STOPS. We do not see, hear or think about anything other than you. I am a jealous person but with you I know to expect that I will always be jealous because you are heaven. You are heaven and every one that I know, knows it. You walk past and we are not capable of anything else but to admire everything that you are. You have this amazing body and this unbelievable face. We stop talking because we know that there is nothing is more important than savoring that moment."

How is it that they can see that everyday when I can't see that of myself even on one day?

I hope that every woman reading this post finds a man who thinks she is heaven.
No, I hope that every woman in the Universe finds a man or woman that thinks she is heaven and treats her that way too.

I'm Sorry, Who Are You Again? Oh That's Right.. I Remember Now.

Hello all of my friends and followers.

It's been a million years since I've done a post and I wont apologize, even though I have missed you all incredibly. I've just been busy living my life I guess. I go out at irregular times and I haven't really had much to say. There is nothing worse than reading a blog and they are talking just for the sake of making an entry.

I think the way it will be easier to update you is if I do it in categories. I don't want to be jumping all over the place from story to story. So here goes..

Love/Relationships/Sex (and lack of it)

Of course this is my first and favourite category

'Possibly Perfect' is now renamed 'Gutless' - After a month of talking every day on the phone, I ran into him at his work. We talked for ten minutes and everything seemed great.

He was gorgeous to look at but short.. and I'm not talking Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes short, I'm talking 'born in the wrong era because he needs disco platforms' short.

Cutting a longgggg story short (pun not intended), he couldn't work up the courage to just say that I wasn't his type so he tried to say that he seen me somewhere acting inappropriately and that he didn't like the fact that I came to his work and that I'm too full on for him.

In the mean time, the day he said that he saw me somewhere being inappropriate he was at a friends birthday party on the other side of the city to where he said he seen me.

As for showing up at his work? He is a security guard at a local shopping centre and I went there with my MUM to go to Coles. Maybe I should have just starved that so I didn't happen to accidently run into him while I was grocery shopping?

Not to mention that if I didn't message him or talk to him for a single day, he would call the next day saying something along the lines of "Where were you yesterday?"

Me too full on? I think not.

All I can say to him is "Thank You Midget Man for spending over $700 on your phone bill you gutless, spineless, coward who didn't have the balls to say that I was too tall, too curvy and too much of a woman for your partly gorgeous exterior and hollow interior."

-

'Barber' finally said hello to me. It only took him a year! It wasn't even hello. It was 'Hi'.

I soon found out that he is getting engaged soon, thus the lack of conversation with his mouth and the thousands of conversations with his eyes.

-

'Tuesday' still comes to see me every week but were just friends.

and last but DEFINITELY not the least..

'Richard Gere'

Unfortunately were not talking about the Hollywood Richard Gere but trust me, even at his age I would give him a Roger-ing.

No ladies, were talking about 'Mr Salt-N-Pepper'.

He's a guy that goes to my local shopping centre. He would be about 32 years old and he's caught my attention over the last month in particular. He isn't like all the other Arabs that I see. He is soft.

It's hard to explain but let's put it this way. He actually walked up to me and asked me for my number! He waited a decent amount of time seeing me around, smiling and nodding at me when he seen me walking to IGA. Even if it was a fresh out of the shower, wet hair, big pimple on my cheek, no makeup, trackies and thongs day - he would STILL smile and nod.

Crazy? I think so.

But a little crazy never hurt me.

Anyway I was very surprised when I realized that he goes to the same argileh place as Aaliya and I. I spent all of last Friday night trying to catch his eye but was unsuccessful. The next night when I saw him there, he realized who I was and we spent hours of exchanging glances and smiles.

He even got his mate to get up and swap seats with him so he could sit facing me!

When Aaliya decided it was time to leave, we got up and both walked to the cash register, went halvies in our bill and walked out in the direction of her car. He pounced on the opportunity to get me alone and was waiting for me outside.

It was SUPER sexy to see a MAN taking a chance on what he wanted.

It doesn't phase me that he's older. It's a nice change. Plus his English is GREAT so thats a relief.

I'm either going out for coffee with him tonight or tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Friends

Aaliya/Aaliyoop - We had our first official fight about two weeks ago. She has recently made friends with some of my guy mates and I'm an overly territorial person and she didn't realize that when she met up with one of my mates without telling me. She told me the next day but I lost it. I think it was more the fact that she took two girls with her that she knows I think are the lowest kind. After an hour competition of who could yell louder on the phone, we called it quits. It took her three hours to call and say that the fight wasn't worth it. It's good to know that she can apologize and not let her stubbornness end our friendship.

Oh and for those of you who are thinking

"What a bitch you are. As if you fight with your friend over that!"

Let me just say that there was something else she did that I would never say on here. At least now she knows what I mean when I say "He is off bounds."

Work

I recently met up with my ex. We will call him 'Jaws' for the simple reason that years ago when we were together he had braces and after we broke up he had a full jaw reconstruction.

Jaws just bought a Video Ezy franchise and for those of you who didn't know, my first job was at Blockbuster and I am the biggest movie nut ever! He offered me a casual job and I'm considering taking him up on the offer. I think it would be cool to work in a video store again a few hours a week.

I still have my own business and it is still going very well but as it's internet based, I want to get out of the house for reasons other than shopping or going out with the girls.

Aaliya offered me a casual job as her hair extensions apprentice.

She will teach me all the ins and outs of hair extensions from wefts, clip ins, micro beads, glue ins, rebonding, application and removal etc etc.

Both options are very do-able and I cannot wait.

Family

Tannah (my brother) is going really well with his vlog and has decided to go back and do another year of Uni. This time it's only three days a week so it wont be as full on as last year.

Scarlet (my mum) is starting to take her blog seriously and is becoming a pain in my ass when it comes to teaching her how to use her new camera. She is considering starting a vlog so I donated my Bloggie to her as a starter.

Health/Fitness

After Gutless kicked me in the ass, my massive fitness program got a kick in the ass too.

Damn you motivation! How dare you quit the race at the first hurdle!!! I still don't drink soft drink, although the last week I've had about 10 cans of sugar free Pepsi Max. I am already suffering from headaches so it's time to quit those too.

As of tomorrow I'm starting to exercise with my brother. He goes walking every day and does Wii Fit. Walking with him will be like sprinting for the Australian Olympic team because my legs are so short in comparison. One of his steps is almost four of mine!

Other than all that. Everything is very similar. I'm still shopping constantly, still blonde - blonder than ever actually and I'm still me.

I hope you have been watching my vlog to keep updated on random parts of my life.

Until next time - Peace xx

Tell Them All I Know Now.

Every word.

FOUND: My Strength (Continuation).

Click here to open original post/part one.

Click photo to enlarge.

FOUND: My Strength.

Click to enlarge.

It's Personal.

I love having a person joke with someone. 

With my friend Aaliya it's calling our group the Cherry Crew because of a funny incident that happened at an argileh cafe we go to. 

With the guy I'm intending on taking off the market, it's 'Respect My Authority'. 

We have a lot of personal jokes but this joke he got a real kick out of. He is Turkish so he doesn't celebrate Christmas and has NEVER received a Christmas present in his life. I felt bad when I heard that so I went on the internet to look for this tshirt. No luck finding it in stock so far but as soon as I find it, it's his.

A Flame Starts With A Spark.

Looking back on my post A Flaming Mess I'm quite amused at the fact that as soon as I stopped looking, something presented itself in a perfect package. 

He ticks all the boxes on my *perfect man* list (so far)

I always said that I wanted someone who is: 

- Taller than me

- Dark hair 

- Nice eyes

- Nice smile

- Is respectful

- Doesn't even MENTION sex the first couple of times we talk

- Likes small fluffy dogs

- Has a great sense of humor

- Easy going and down to Earth

- Ethnic or European

- Drives

- Works (or studies)

- Is friends with/close with his mum

- Doesn't go clubbing

-Doesn't do drugs

- Speaks a language other than English

- Nice body

- Good dress sense

- Can hold a conversation

- Older than me

- Isn't camera shy

- Good teeth

- Good skin

- Doesn't have a complicated relationship status

- Isn't recently out of a relationship

Not to mention that there are a million more things that make him amazing.

Let's see what happens.

Did you ever/do you currently have a list of what you want in a guy??

Let's Talk About Sex Baby, Let's Talk About You And Me.

I just had one the best Saturday nights of my life.

Let me just say "Butterflies, millions of them."
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch Under The Tuscan Sun.

Thank you Nik. You restored my faith in guys actually knowing what they're doing.

A Flaming Mess.

Don't you just hate guys who never call? What about guys who call too much? Well I currently have both. I have one that I really like, that never calls me and one that I could have really liked, until he started calling me every five minutes.

I think it's an impossible task to find the happy medium. Ideally I'd like a man to call or text me once or twice a day just to say hi and see how my day is going. Maybe then he would even make it a habit to send a good morning and goodnight message.

That is how this story started. I'd had four days of waking up to a good morning message - which I liked and was hoping that I could get use to it. He would even throw in a short message at lunchtime just to say hi and update me on his day and then a message at night to say that he hoped I had a good day.

After four spectacular texting days, I went on a date with the guy. It wasn't even twenty minutes before he became Mr Hands On and not in the way your thinking! There I was trying to watch a movie while he was trying to hold my hand, squeeze my cheek, poke my nose, touch my hair and then JUST as I'm about to LOSE IT, he grabs me by the shoulders (trying to turn me towards him) and says "Look at me." He wanted to kiss me and I was like WOAHHHHH NELLY. By that point I was so pissed off, annoyed and aggravated that I would have preferred to have gotten food poisoning. I tried to hide my contempt when I said "No, I'm watching the movie."

The physical attraction I felt for him before the movie had started was gone after the third time he tried to jokingly cover my eyes because the actors were kissing. I hate guys who niggle at your during a movie. My friend Bertie Beetle tried that shit once and I turned to him and said "Shut the f*ck up. I just paid $27 for us to watch this frigin movie, SO WATCH IT."

For all you good girls and boys, I'm sorry but I often drop the F bomb. It's my worst habit.

Anyway, back to Bachelor Number Two.. It wasn't long until I stood up and said that I wanted him to take me home. I had hit my threshold for teenage bullshit. He is TWENTY-FOUR years old and was acting like he's twelve. What a waste of a physically superb specimen. Two days, 57 missed calls and 39 unread text messages later and I've had it up to HERE.

Meanwhile, a few streets away lives the total opposite. He is GORGEOUS beyond belief and said he wanted me to be his and only his. As soon as I told him I didn't want anyone else either, he stopped calling.

What is it about the chase that peaks so many guys interest? They want what they can't have yet they complain and hold it against you as soon as you play hard to get. THEN as soon as you give in and stop all the games, POOF - they disappear. It's like a magic trick, except instead of being amazed and dazzled, I'm left confused and squeamish.

After two days of ignoring calls from Bachelor Number Two and waiting for calls from Bachelor Number One, I put my mobile phone on silent and made a conscious decision to ignore them all. Today when I checked my phone I had messages and missed calls from THREE guys I use to date.

Maybe that is my answer? I know I'm leaving the country soon so maybe I should stick to my old flames, rather than trying to light a new fire.

I'm Tired Of Waiting, Wondering If You Are Ever Coming Around, My Faith In You Is Fading.. When Will I Meet You On The Outskirts Of Town?

I am the type of person who gets incredibly involved in movies, even tv shows. I can fall in love with a character I'm watching and for the duration of that movie, he would be IT - the one I would forever measure every man against. I don't know if it's the dreamer in me, the damaged part of me or the soppy romantic in me but I fall in love every week.. and it lasts as long as 3 hours - if I'm lucky. I can always go back and press replay, but it's never the same the second time around. I think that's why television shows have more of a pay off for me. It's 22 episodes a year for 5 odd years of my life. That's 104 hours of being in love with Dean Winchester, with no heart break, no stress that he won't call and no regrets two years later when I realize I should have moved on with my life. For those 104 hours, I've watched him kick ass, take his shirt off, cry, smile, lose his temper, laugh, eat, goof around and generally make me happy. It's the ultimate safe relationship in the most pathetic, twisted and warped way of thinking.

In reality Jensen Ackles is happily married. In reality, I'm mostly-happily single.

I think every woman has watched at least one movie in her life that made her take a step back and think 'that's what I want in a man' and there is nothing wrong with that. The men in movies, the men in books and the men in tv shows ARE characters but where does that inspiration come from? It had to come from someones real life experiences. At one point in time there had to be a fairy tale. There was a fairy tale. I know it.

Once upon a time there was a millionaire who fell in love with a hooker, a pair of teenagers from rival families, a peasant girl who fell in love with a prince and an older woman who married a younger man. There are people living true life love stories every single day and we are so stuck in our own reality that we think it is just something that happens in movies, books or television shows. Some women wait a lifetime to find their Mr Darcy, Romeo, Prince Charming or Jack Dawson.

You may ask me what bought all of this on? Let me get it straight right now that I am not depressed, not currently lonely and not drinking a bottle of wine and eating a tub of ice cream. I'm just thinking.

I have always been so rushed to fall in love, get married and have children. I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to live the rest of my life alone, but doesn't want to settle because of it.

I'm not sure if it's because I come from a single parent family, because my dad was so utterly pathetic or if it's because of him, but I'd like something more.. I'd like the tortured heart, the assassin, the poet, the cop, the gang member, the older man, the boy toy, the husband, the Spanish lover, the Canadian hockey player, the guy who knows me before I even speak, the mysterious guy, the guy who lays it all out on the table, the confident, damaged and carefree soul.. And because of that fact, I've always seen myself getting married multiple times or never at all. I'm always thinking that no-one will live up to all of those things. That no-one will keep me intrigued, excited, mesmerized and entertained for the rest of my life.

I want something spectacular. Something I thought I'd only have in my dreams. I want a story.

I guess for some of us, holding out for your story is where your story really begins..

This N That

Award of 'Best Transformation From A Sooky Cow Into An Uber Classy Mum' goes to: Katie Holmes.

I love her look. She's become an elegant woman with an awesome style.
I hope she is thanking Mrs Beckham.

In love with: Her makeup, eyebrows, skin and her first name 'Elisabetta'.
Not so in love with: Her 'come get some' facial expression and her last name 'Gregoraci' .. It sounds like a dyslexic trying to say 'La-coo-ca-racha'.

Introducing:
Mr Nippys iced-ANYTHING.
I love his iced coffee and iced honeycomb.

My Favourite Animal Photo Of The Day:
A bebeh rhino.

Plus..
DAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNNN.
Love the butterfly wings on that dress. Not a fan of the shoes but her body is bliss.
Big booty, cute face and a little waist.

Z

While writing a blog about my nail biting habit, frogs and my mums eyes I got a bit sidetracked and started looking through all my photos. I have so many photos on my computer that it would take me more than 2 hours to get through them all.

It really makes me wonder. Where did all those friends go? I have folders upon folders of photos with my friends or of my friends and even a few of myself. Looking back on these photos I realize that I had a different best friend for each of the years in my folders.

2006-2007 was Chloe
2007-2008 was Nina
2008-2009 was Sharlett
2009 was Linda

Strangely enough, I'm not friends with any of them anymore. I guess it comes down to the fact that I know myself. I know how much I give in any relationship/friendship, whether it be with a female or a male. I have always known that I give more than anyone else I've had connections with. I'm that kind of person. I will fight tooth and nail to protect you, defend you and keep you happy. Even if you are in the wrong, I always have your back.

I have never seen it as a flaw, until now.

I have heard all the sayings 'Don't waste your time on someone who wouldn't waste their time on you.' 'Don't make someone a priority in your life when your only an option in theirs.' Yada yada, blah blah and the list goes on. I have never been like that. I give, give, give and when it's all over, I give some more, just in case. My mum always says 'Anastasia, you ride the horse until it's dead.' I can see that. My brother says my biggest mistake is that I always have a best friend, rather than a lot of friends. I can see that too. I have a lot of mates, not even mates - acquaintances. I don't really have anyone I can count on no matter what the situation. I thought I did but I was recently proven wrong. That is why I find a best friend and stick with them until it's over, because it's nice to have someone I can count on for a change.

I find it hard to get along with females and I know a lot of females say that. I am an Alpha. I'm dominant - 'the leader of the pack' as some would call it. I'm not a bitch, I can get along with anyone and I mean almost anyone, whether they're a leader or a follower. I'm not an attention seeker and I'm to be Miss Bossy Boots but what always lets me down is that I've never met someone who is going to treat me the way I treat them. Look out for me and want me to best the best version of myself I can be. I don't like games, I don't like gossip and rumors, I don't like the immaturity that seems to explode out of females when guys become involved. Most of my problems has been that my friends in the past have let themselves be victimized by men. Emotionally abusive, physically abusive, you name it! When I say 'let themselves', I simply mean that there has been a specific event where a guy has harmed them in one way or another and they let it slide as though it were nothing, so he kept going and eventually it got worse and worse. Personally, I think if a guy hits you or emotionally abuses you and you stay with him, you have let him know he can get away with it. I don't believe it's ever a once off thing. If he has it in him to do it in the first place, he always has and always will have it in him. I can't just sit there while I can see my friends are walking off a cliff so I try to help them, which ends up with me either giving up or their boyfriends convincing them I am a bad influence because I want them to stand up for themselves. Either way the friendship comes to a halt and I go back to where I started. Only starting a little more frustrated and disappointed. It's not just with females my own age either. Even women a few years older aren't on the same page that I am.

I don't know what this blog is about or even what I'm trying to say. I know I try to help my friends from making the same mistakes I did. I see it a mile off and if I don't say anything it hurts them and if I do say something it hurts them. I'm helpless and it sucks. It's a sucky feeling!

I don't have the answers, I can't see the future, but I know what I know. I think tonight I just needed to get it off my chest that I've lived more than anyone else I know, yet I haven't really 'lived' at all.

How does a 'heart' keep on giving 'love' when it is rarely returned?
The average heart must be the loneliest thing in the world.

After all that I've been through, mine has been fortunate enough to find friends. It keeps constant company with the blockage in my throat, the compression on my chest, the free falling tingle in my limbs and the sting in my eyes.

My heart isn't making the mistake I did by only keeping one friend at a time.

22, so young in life, so old in love.