While writing a blog about my nail biting habit, frogs and my mums eyes I got a bit sidetracked and started looking through all my photos. I have so many photos on my computer that it would take me more than 2 hours to get through them all.
It really makes me wonder. Where did all those friends go? I have folders upon folders of photos with my friends or of my friends and even a few of myself. Looking back on these photos I realize that I had a different best friend for each of the years in my folders.
2006-2007 was Chloe
2007-2008 was Nina
2008-2009 was Sharlett
2009 was Linda
Strangely enough, I'm not friends with any of them anymore. I guess it comes down to the fact that I know myself. I know how much I give in any relationship/friendship, whether it be with a female or a male. I have always known that I give more than anyone else I've had connections with. I'm that kind of person. I will fight tooth and nail to protect you, defend you and keep you happy. Even if you are in the wrong, I always have your back.
I have never seen it as a flaw, until now.
I have heard all the sayings 'Don't waste your time on someone who wouldn't waste their time on you.' 'Don't make someone a priority in your life when your only an option in theirs.' Yada yada, blah blah and the list goes on. I have never been like that. I give, give, give and when it's all over, I give some more, just in case. My mum always says 'Anastasia, you ride the horse until it's dead.' I can see that. My brother says my biggest mistake is that I always have a best friend, rather than a lot of friends. I can see that too. I have a lot of mates, not even mates - acquaintances. I don't really have anyone I can count on no matter what the situation. I thought I did but I was recently proven wrong. That is why I find a best friend and stick with them until it's over, because it's nice to have someone I can count on for a change.
I find it hard to get along with females and I know a lot of females say that. I am an Alpha. I'm dominant - 'the leader of the pack' as some would call it. I'm not a bitch, I can get along with anyone and I mean almost anyone, whether they're a leader or a follower. I'm not an attention seeker and I'm to be Miss Bossy Boots but what always lets me down is that I've never met someone who is going to treat me the way I treat them. Look out for me and want me to best the best version of myself I can be. I don't like games, I don't like gossip and rumors, I don't like the immaturity that seems to explode out of females when guys become involved. Most of my problems has been that my friends in the past have let themselves be victimized by men. Emotionally abusive, physically abusive, you name it! When I say 'let themselves', I simply mean that there has been a specific event where a guy has harmed them in one way or another and they let it slide as though it were nothing, so he kept going and eventually it got worse and worse. Personally, I think if a guy hits you or emotionally abuses you and you stay with him, you have let him know he can get away with it. I don't believe it's ever a once off thing. If he has it in him to do it in the first place, he always has and always will have it in him. I can't just sit there while I can see my friends are walking off a cliff so I try to help them, which ends up with me either giving up or their boyfriends convincing them I am a bad influence because I want them to stand up for themselves. Either way the friendship comes to a halt and I go back to where I started. Only starting a little more frustrated and disappointed. It's not just with females my own age either. Even women a few years older aren't on the same page that I am.
I don't know what this blog is about or even what I'm trying to say. I know I try to help my friends from making the same mistakes I did. I see it a mile off and if I don't say anything it hurts them and if I do say something it hurts them. I'm helpless and it sucks. It's a sucky feeling!
I don't have the answers, I can't see the future, but I know what I know. I think tonight I just needed to get it off my chest that I've lived more than anyone else I know, yet I haven't really 'lived' at all.
How does a 'heart' keep on giving 'love' when it is rarely returned?
The average heart must be the loneliest thing in the world.
After all that I've been through, mine has been fortunate enough to find friends. It keeps constant company with the blockage in my throat, the compression on my chest, the free falling tingle in my limbs and the sting in my eyes.
My heart isn't making the mistake I did by only keeping one friend at a time.
22, so young in life, so old in love.