Shutting A Door And Opening A Window.

Today when I woke up on the couch, it was just another day in this bad luck house.

I got up, brushed my teeth and got ready for the day, hoping that my hair straightener didn't electrocute me and that I didn't break my leg by tripping over my back step.

I've just read and published Nur, Krissy and DeAnna's comments on my last post and I'm not sure if this is what they meant when they said 'after bad things happen, something good is not far away', but today something good happened. So far so good anyway.

I was out shopping with my mum (in a thrift store of all places) and this guy walks in about two minutes after me and I'm immediately embarrassed because he was a mega piece of HOT tradie a$$. He was walking around in his work jeans that were ripped at the knees and covered in paint. I'm not sure if the few smudges of white paint on his face made him hotter, but I was definitely peeking from behind some clothing racks.

To cut a long story short, I gave him my number. Not like me at all but I finally grew a spine. He had made eye contact with me and smiled continually so I wrote my number on a small piece of paper, walked straight up to him and held my breath when I handed it over. I walked away feeling empowered and confident. It was only thirty seconds and he nudged his head as if to ask me to go out the front and talk to him, so I did.

When I got outside, everything that I thought was random, turned out to be 'his lucky day' - his words, not mine. He told me that he had seen me around (at the local mall I always tell you guys about) and that for three months he has been going there hoping to talk to me and get to know me but I apparently never took any notice of him. When he seen me pull into the car park today with my mum, he did a u-turn, parked next to the rental car I was driving. He went into the store I was in with a 'don't take no for an answer' attitude. There has only ever been one person who sort of stalked me in that way and I ended up dating him for six months lol. Anyway, back to the guy..

Even though I am apprehensive at getting to know a guy who blends into the crowd and just watches me from a far, I was a bit flattered.

I have been having such a shitty time lately thinking about Azad *coughchokecough* sorry, I hate saying his name. I just needed to do something outrageous for once. I know it's time to move on, it was time three years ago but I dunno..

The guys name is Fadi, he's a painter, he's gorgeous and he's Lebanese.

I'll try to wait at least 24 hours before I f it up. Haha.

Bad Morning.

Ugh.

Way To Kick Em While They're Down.

I cannot believe I didn't post a single thing during the day or night yesterday. I posted something after midnight so it counted as yesterdays date but I still feel like I have neglected my baby (my blog).

Speaking of babies, I just reconnected with an old friend over Facebook and she's pregnant.

Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster for me. If ever I had split personality, it was yesterday. I had a melt down in the morning because of ill fitting clothes (why thankyou bloated belly due to my monthly CURSE), I had a self doubt afternoon and then a painful reminder of my past in the evening around the time of my Facebook visit. I'm happy for her, I was just a bit f**ked up last night. Sometimes I think amnesia would be a blessing.

Now, enough of that and onto my travels yesterday. My brother hired a car so my mum commandeered it. Obviously we went shopping - if you haven't figured that out yet, you need to read my blog entries properly haha. It was harmless grocery shopping at first.. then it turned into a shopping spree. Mostly things for my brother (so he wouldn't be sour we took the car) and because we love him *cough*.

We went into an outlet on Sydney Road and found him a pair of jeans, three tops and a jumper. Mum and I went halvies in the cost and then had a look for ourselves. There wasn't a huge selection in womens clothing but I still managed to buy two pair of 3/4 trackies for $5 each, a Kappa top and a dress. We were walking back to the car and I seen a $6 rack outside a store so we quickly looked through. A fantastic pair of khaki trackies for $6 'Score' I said, it was just too bad they were only in XS. *thumbs down*

I did however find this amazing dress/jacket/top. I say that because I'm not sure of how long it is when it's on (didn't try it on). I might be able to get away with wearing it like a dress when I tone my legs. It reminds me of the dress J-Lo wore in The Back Up Plan at the start of the movie when she left the pregnancy clinic. It looks nothing like that but something about it just inspired me to recreate her outfit. Besides, it was only $6 so I bought it. I got lots of new comfy/sporty lingerie bottoms for when I work out and I was heading to my Berlei bra store and they are closed down ='( DAMN DAMN DAMN. I needed more of those bra's and underwear. I'm gonna have to fish around for another store who sells them at cost price because they are wayyyy too expensive to buy at retail prices.

I'll take photos of what I bought when I find my camera charger, or I'll just vlog it. Either way, I wanna show you this top/dress.

Hope you had a good day yesterday and an even better one today.

Off to go house hunting (for my brother) and then shopping, shopping, shopping.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I'm Tired Of Waiting, Wondering If You Are Ever Coming Around, My Faith In You Is Fading.. When Will I Meet You On The Outskirts Of Town?

I am the type of person who gets incredibly involved in movies, even tv shows. I can fall in love with a character I'm watching and for the duration of that movie, he would be IT - the one I would forever measure every man against. I don't know if it's the dreamer in me, the damaged part of me or the soppy romantic in me but I fall in love every week.. and it lasts as long as 3 hours - if I'm lucky. I can always go back and press replay, but it's never the same the second time around. I think that's why television shows have more of a pay off for me. It's 22 episodes a year for 5 odd years of my life. That's 104 hours of being in love with Dean Winchester, with no heart break, no stress that he won't call and no regrets two years later when I realize I should have moved on with my life. For those 104 hours, I've watched him kick ass, take his shirt off, cry, smile, lose his temper, laugh, eat, goof around and generally make me happy. It's the ultimate safe relationship in the most pathetic, twisted and warped way of thinking.

In reality Jensen Ackles is happily married. In reality, I'm mostly-happily single.

I think every woman has watched at least one movie in her life that made her take a step back and think 'that's what I want in a man' and there is nothing wrong with that. The men in movies, the men in books and the men in tv shows ARE characters but where does that inspiration come from? It had to come from someones real life experiences. At one point in time there had to be a fairy tale. There was a fairy tale. I know it.

Once upon a time there was a millionaire who fell in love with a hooker, a pair of teenagers from rival families, a peasant girl who fell in love with a prince and an older woman who married a younger man. There are people living true life love stories every single day and we are so stuck in our own reality that we think it is just something that happens in movies, books or television shows. Some women wait a lifetime to find their Mr Darcy, Romeo, Prince Charming or Jack Dawson.

You may ask me what bought all of this on? Let me get it straight right now that I am not depressed, not currently lonely and not drinking a bottle of wine and eating a tub of ice cream. I'm just thinking.

I have always been so rushed to fall in love, get married and have children. I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to live the rest of my life alone, but doesn't want to settle because of it.

I'm not sure if it's because I come from a single parent family, because my dad was so utterly pathetic or if it's because of him, but I'd like something more.. I'd like the tortured heart, the assassin, the poet, the cop, the gang member, the older man, the boy toy, the husband, the Spanish lover, the Canadian hockey player, the guy who knows me before I even speak, the mysterious guy, the guy who lays it all out on the table, the confident, damaged and carefree soul.. And because of that fact, I've always seen myself getting married multiple times or never at all. I'm always thinking that no-one will live up to all of those things. That no-one will keep me intrigued, excited, mesmerized and entertained for the rest of my life.

I want something spectacular. Something I thought I'd only have in my dreams. I want a story.

I guess for some of us, holding out for your story is where your story really begins..

If I Only Had A Brain..

What do I have to do to get my brain and my heart on the same page?

My heart has always ruled my brain. I'm stupid when I'm in love. I'm the first to admit it and I'm never afraid to admit it. Whether it be friends, family, pets or him - stupid.

I've never been so confident as I am today. I've finally come to a point where I can move on with my life! I think. I can actually say his name in my mind 20 times without shedding a single tear. It's amazing. Some songs don't hurt so much, some songs still hurt too much but I can actually say his name out loud without the crippling heartache that usually follows. It's fantastic. I want to dance and skip and scream his name with relief rather than despair. All of this thanks to my brain - way to make a comeback, don't you think? Yeah, you show that heart who's boss. It only took you 23 years to grow some **cough**.

I guess my brain just wants something new to think about for once. Less to worry about, more to be excited over. Maybe my mind has come to terms with the fact that it will never be what I want it to be. Thus giving me a kick in the ass, heart and mind to pull myself out of it.

I realized all of this yesterday when I looked in my facebook inbox, seen his girlfriends name (from when she messaged me a week go). I didn't get butterflies in my stomach, a sting in my eye or the need to close my laptop lid. I just went about doing what I had to do.

It was liberating, I guess is a way of putting it.

Meanwhile, a little further down south.. My heart was hatching it's evil plan to attack me while I couldn't control it. My sleep was horrible, to say the LEAST.

I woke up, said 'I f%&cking hate my brain' I should have said heart but my brain should be controlling my subconscious by now. I know my heart is out to get me but my brain needs to step up to the plate. I wiped away the one tear under my eye, pulled it together then my brain finally kicked in and told me to let it go.

I am pleased to be writing to you with a smile, although taking shallow breaths (I don't wanna push my luck) and helping my mum set up her very own blog.

It will never be as true from my blog as it is today, when I say - PEACE.

A Lot Of Words.

I have had an interesting day to say the least. My ex boyfriend, you know - the one. Yeah, well his girlfriend added me on Facebook. I knew it was just a matter of time before him or his girlfriend contacted me. It was not a conversation I've ever wanted to have. I like to just swim in my denial, pretending that they are just as miserable as I am.

This is not the case.

They are 'getting serious' so she wanted me to clear up a few things he had told her, she wanted to know if he still contacts me and a few other random things.

It's only natural to harbour ill will towards an ex boyfriends new partner. Whether you love him or hate him, she's the new you. Your replacement, a better or different version of you.

I've spent a year telling myself they are a phase and she isn't worthy of having him but after talking to her, I (hate to admit it) harbour no ill will towards her what-so-ever. She was actually kind of nice, in that new girlfriend 'I have your man' kind of way. It was hard for me to resist telling her that I think she's not worthy of having him and that she doesn't deserve him, but then again, he didn't think I was worthy of having him either.

Arghh, it's days like these that I think 'life sucks, it's bullshit and unfair'.

So yeah, that was my morning. Cutting onions - again. Doing my makeup, cutting some more onions and then touching up my makeup. He really has a way of dragging me down. I had to go to the supermarket with my mum. I knew there was a chance of waterworks but I applied some waterproof mascara and went anyway.

We hired a dvd out of the machine at Woolworths and caught the bus home. The bitch who abused me a while back was on the bus too and what do ya know? She was having a bitch about the bus driver asking to see her concession card. While trying very hard to ignore her, I looked up from beneath my messy fringe and seen a guy staring at me. He was cute, about 24 and he reminded me of this guy I used to know. I didn't think anything of it.

I got off the bus at Paris Road and walked down the street on my way home. Mum and I were laughing and joking about how heavy the groceries were when I seen the guy from the bus walking 20 paces in front of us. I hadn't even seen him get off at our stop. He disappeared from sight as we fell behind due to walking at a snails pace. I walked past the fruit shop and he was standing against a pole, thinking I was going to walk that way. I didn't. We kept walking and passed a petrol station. There was a guy getting out of a red Holden VT. He was wearing a green zip up Everlast jacket and he was GORGEOUS to say the least. We made eye contact, I thought nothing of it and kept walking.

Two houses down and the corner of my eye picked up something. I looked over across the road and there was the guy from the bus walking one house infront of us on the opposite side of the road. I noticed it because he was looking over at me every few seconds. It was flattering, but kind of weird. Twenty houses down, still there, thirty houses down, still there. One house from my street and he turns into a side street, still looking at me.

I turn into my street, walk across the road and almost get run over by some idiot wearing a green zip up Everlast jumper driving a red Holden VT.

'What is this? Stalkers day?' My mum asked me.

The red VT drove up to the end of my street as slowly as possible, did a U turn and came back. He stopped out the front of my house as I was getting my keys out, sat there for a moment and then drove off.

It's weird the way life works.

This morning I was having a good cry because I actually wished Azad's girlfriend good luck in her future with him. This afternoon I was scared of what comes next and tonight, I'm being followed home by two attractive guys.

Close the door, Cue the open window.

Minus The Barrymore.

It was a 'cutting onions' kind of morning. One of the mornings where your eyes tear up the split second before you even get a chance to open them.

I know this is meant to be an easy going fashion, makeup and other things fun blog but this blog is about me and this is part of me.

Today I was haunted, more than most other days. Not oOo spooky ghost haunted but haunted by that 'what was, what will be, what could of been' haze that can cloud your memories and hopes for the future sometimes. I think it's just my subconscious reminding me that there is only a month left before I move overseas and then things are forever changed. Set in stone.

Whether we like to admit it, we spend our lives searching for 'the one'. That person who completes us. Well, I found it. Him. I am aware of how huge a statement that is to make and I'm sure that most of you are rolling your eyes or thinking I don't know what I'm on about but when I was younger my mum always told me that there are two right people for you in this world.
Two of 'the one'. There is the 'one' that your not right for and the 'one' that your both right for each other. Can you tell by this post and the fact that I'm single which one I found first?

Yeah. Knowing that in her theory there is someone else out there for me, is like rubbing salt in an infected wound. It doesn't make it easier and it sure as hell doesn't relieve any of the emptiness. It doesn't stop me from crying whenever I hear a certain song, watch a certain movie, wear a certain dress, see a certain photo or pass certain guys in the street. Life is a constant reminder that the one is out there and I have already found him but he let me pass him by. Boy let me tell you, your confidence and self-worth takes a brutal beating when you go through what I went through. There are a lot of circumstances surrounding him that I wont get into but simply put, things could have been different. They should have been different.

I'm just hoping that in the future when I least expect it, my life will be less jagged. On that day I will walk out of my velvet room, down my velvet hall, out the velvet door, onto the velvet path, past the velvet fields under a velvet sky and there 'he' will be. Velvet.

Everything will flow smoothly that day, because it's meant to happen. I'm meant to meet him and it's going to be right next time. He will have lived his life and I will have passed through mine. The roots of this pain will break and new flowers will flourish in the place that was desolate for as long as I can remember. No more beating this dead horse.

Until then, haunted by thorns while hoping for velvet. What if it doesn't happen you ask?
Well, at least thorns are accompanied by roses.